Dear George,

How are you? I am fine - thanks for asking!

I am writing to you because I have an important birthday coming up in November. Believe it or not, (and I would appreciate it if you would at least feign surprise) I am turning 50. But, since 50 is allegedly the new 30 (something I find hard to believe) I am trying to not be too upset.

I am now suddenly very aware of some things I should have done earlier in my life. I haven't exactly been a slacker, but if I'd written my novel 10 years ago, rather than just finishing it. It (and the many others I would have penned since) might already be on the bookshelves of Barnes and Noble, and I would no longer be writing newspaper stories about what to do with your hair during the summer heat, and interviewing women about their attraction to Tony Soprano.

I should have taken some computer classes so I would know what to do when things go awry, rather than my usual coping strategy of spinning around whilst pulling my hair, and spewing incoherent utterings.But, there is one thing I hope I am not too late on, and that is a date with you, the Sexiest Man Alive (a title, which, if you desire, I will constantly refer to you as). A part of me isn't sure how it would feel to date a man so much better looking than me, but it's worth the risk.

I've had some practice dating you as my ex-boyfriend, who I refer to as George Clooney-lite, somewhat resembles you, but alas, no villa. For fear of legal reprisal I won't post pictures. Since I am not allowed within 300 feet of him, ( it's so not a big deal!) I can't take any anyway, so you'll just have to trust me on this.

Because you have no idea who I am I have composed a list of the top five best reasons to date me:
1. I am relatively low maintenance - compared to the type of women I assume you usually date. I drive a Subaru, I take my trash to the dump, (yes, I recycle) and all my body parts (while showing a little wear and tear) are natural and original. My face has never been fattened, (well, except those periods where cookies kept me company during long, winter evenings.) or Botoxed. My lips, while not as full as Angelina Jolie's, have maintained a respectable plumpness. My beauty routines are relatively fast and inexpensive.

2. I can make homemade Toll House cookies without looking at the recipe on the bag. My ability to whip up these tasty morsels in 20 minutes will come in handy the next time you need to pack on 30 pounds for a role.

3. I have three grown children who are either gainfully employed, or attending prestigious colleges where they will earn degrees to ensure said gainful employment. There is no chance of David Foster-like ne’er-do-well stepchildren. Plus, since I have three children in their 20s - no baby cravings.

4. The paparazzi never follows me. Not once have I been photographed going to get coffee or pick up groceries.

5. I am not an actress. See item one.

In the interest of fairness I should tell you some of the not-so-great things about me.

1. I collect Hello Kitty items. It's not an addiction. Well, not one I've sought treatment for- yet.

2. I have a dog who is ugly and older than God, but he's part of the package. He may outlive us all.

3. I think Michael Keaton was the best Batman (you were much better than Val Kilmer) But... I loved Good Night and Good Luck.

4. I live on the opposite coast. But, when you filmed The Perfect Storm, you must have seen how lovely a New England seacoast town can be.

5. I write about pop culture and skewer celebrities sometimes. but never you. Well, only once, and it wasn't really very mean.

So there you have it - the good, the bad and the ugly. If per chance you find yourself on the East coast, and want an opportunity to see what it's like to go on a date in a small town, I want to let you know that I would say yes, (I know how men get anxious about asking women out, and I'm sure you're no different).

Perhaps when Ocean's 13 finishes filming you will be ready for a break, and really, how can Italy compare to New England and sharing chocolate chip cookies with a charming, almost-50-year-old writer?

Best,Candace

Why do I want to date George Clooney more than the guys in my home town?

1. He owns a tux. There aren't many tux-necessary events in my life, but you never know and it's nice to be with a man who's prepared.
2. He's handsome, thin or not. Key: if there is potential of growing older and less-than-glamorous with someone.
3. I admire his verbal ability and brains. He's no himbo.
4. I have never seen a photograph of him wearing a tank top.
5. Hello! He's GEORGE CLOONEY!